Bittersweet tears

Hi I've been intending to write this post for some time now but decided to wait til after my trip to England. As followers of this blog know my son died suddenly last July. He left behind two young children from his first marriage and a second wife whom he had been married to for 5 years. Shortly after his funeral his wife found out that she was expecting their first child. She was so pleased that she would have something so tangible to remember my son by but I have to say that I was devestated by the news. I was obviously delighted for her but all I could think was what my son was going to miss and of a child who would never know their Father. It added to my grief and this is what I wrote at the time.

I am lost

From his death there is a beginning
A new life has grown from his seed.
Her heart filling with joy and love
As her cheeks bloom and her belly blossoms.
But my heart is splitting in many fragments.
I should be happy
But the pain is still too strong.
I am lost
Floundering in a well
Of sorrow
I have not yet said farewell
How can I now say welcome?
I am overwhelmed with sadness
For you.

At the beginning of April our daughter-in-law gave birth to a healthy baby boy. A very healthy 9lb 5oz. At the beginning of June we went back to England for the first time since the funeral. We were going to see his children from his first marriage and of course the new baby, and we were going to visit our son. The whole trip was so hard, the plane, the drive down to Devon, trying to hold myself together for the grandchildren and for our daughter-in-law who has been amazingly strong. The baby is a lovely happy baby and I know that he will come to know his father through his mother his friends and of course us. But even writing this is bringing tears to my eyes.

We then went to the graveyard. As I said before it is set in open fields and is a beautiful place, he is laid under a tree. But on that day the heavens had opened.

We stood before the place where our son lay
A dead threatening sky enveloped us
An unrelenting gloom, no glimmer of light
No words can describe the feeling of utter desolation
My tears mingled with the dark curtain of rain
And seeped into the earth around him.
I did not want to leave him.

It will soon be a year since he died and I know it will be another difficult milestone to cope with. Everyone deals with grief differently and for me putting some of my poems and feelings on this blog has helped.

Allen Ginsberg wrote " Poetry is the outlet for people to say in public what is known in private."

Poetry is my "other" me, my private face in public.

Time shifts and building works.

Well that's the only way I can describe the speed with which time is flying by at the moment!!! No update for nearly two months. The builders are making good progress but we will be very pleased whan they finally leave us in peace. It's amazing how much it disturbs our routines and then of course there is the noise and dirt. But it will be worth all the aggro in the long run. But once the builders have finished then the hard work will really start. We are aiming to do the finishing works ourselves, and "flushed" with the success of the new plumbing we are raring to go.

And the sunny weather is finally with us, it's been an iffy spring but now the sun has reappeared with a real warmth in it and the promise of much more to come and good dry weather will make our work easier.

As for my wip I have barely looked at it for weeks but once I get back after my trip to England next week I shall be buckling down to it again. Well at least that's the idea, I just hope I haven't forgotten what it's about!! So just a quick update and more to come soon.

Sunshine, builders and phone.

What more could I ask for? After another week with no phone or internet, "they" finally seem to have got their act together and we have our own phone number back and internet. Only three weeks messing us about!!! The builder has returned with the sunshine and the plumbing is going well. We have a working wash basin for the new loo, and soon a wash basin in the bedroom plus a shower. I have been very impressed by the OH's prowess with a blowtorch!!

All I need now is to knuckle down to my wip. I haven't done anything to it for some time but I have been trying some short stories and poems, which counts as writing doesn't it?

Some thoughts while out running:

Often when I run
I have moments of lucidity.
Ideas crowd my mind
Sentences beg to be written.
But when I return home
They are wiped away
With the sweat!
--------------
Why is a blank page so terrifying?
Anxious vanity and fear of ridicule
Check the pen from moving.
--------------
On my desk there stands a mug
Full of pens all different hues,
Jostling for my attention.
Which one will it be today?
Choose me, choose me they cry.
One insinuates it's way into my hand,
Willing to slide and slither across the page,
Giving substance to the ideas and images
That wait for life and form
In the jumbled recesses of my mind.

Okay, enough of this, I'm off for a run now and you never know I might just get some new ideas.

Pay it forwards.

A few weeks ago the lovely Caroline offered to send small gifts of friendship to the first three bloggers to leave a comment on her blog. This idea had come via JJ, I had missed that opportunity so was pleased when I was the third blogger. Well my lovely little gifts arrived last week and they proved again what a very thoughtful and kind person Caroline is.

My little parcel contained a beautiful Momiji doll with a secret message from Caroline tucked inside her Kimono. A Sheep Poo Paper book mark, which is exactly what it says it is, from Welsh sheep, and a little magic wand to help all my dreams come true.

I'm not sure I can manage anything quite so exciting but if any of you would like to join in this Pay it forwards then all you need to do is leave a comment asking to join in, then you will need to send me your name and address and I will send you a small gift of friendship. All you then have to do is do a blog about it and link back to me. If you wish to continue the Pay it forwards then that would be entirely up to you. I offer this to the first three bloggers to leave a comment, there is no cost to you and the gift will be small, just a token of friendship and good wishes from one blogger to another.

Now an update on Builders and phones. No builders yet and we still have someone elses phone number, a Technician is due to call Thursday afternoon. That will be two weeks of utter annoyance.

Sorry another rant required!!!

I had intended to do a blog about the lovely Caroline today but I have been exasperated by phone problems. Unbelievably our phone number has been replaced by somebody else's, so we have been receiving somebody else's calls!!!!!. For the past two days we have been able to dial out but not receive calls to our number, I had phoned to complain and been told that this was being looked into. Then this morning we started to get someone elses calls. So I made yet another phone call which lasted for about 16 minutes with me trying to convince the technician that if I did as he said and disconnected the phone line I would not be able to continue the conversation with him!!!! Eventually he recognised the difficulty, now we have to wait for a text message to our mobile to inform us when the problem is resolved. In the meantime we can phone out but only receive someone elses calls, and the poor lady whose phone number we now have has no phone or internet. She phoned me earlier after a friend told her about getting hold of me on her number and all in French of course.

Confused, yes and so are we!!!! All I wanted was to save us some money. I wonder if I could write a short story about this, no it's too far fetched for anyone to believe.
Normal service will resume soon, I hope!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Incommunicado for a week!!!!

It has been very stressful in our household for over a week now. I made the mistake of trying to save us some money by changing our phone and internet provider. Oh dear oh dear, and it's just aswell you couldn't hear what I was saying over the last few days. It wasn't very ladylike I'm afraid and I think I have a lot more grey hairs!!!!

We lost the phone and internet last Thursday and I have been on the mobile for what seems like hours trying to get through to a human being. If I hear anymore recorded messages I shall not be responsible for my behaviour. And for the first time in our lives we had to resort to an internet cafe!!!! Ooh that was interesting.

Finally yesterday we were reconnected but still cannot receive incoming calls. So yet another call this morning and we have to wait for another technician to visit.

Oh and the builder has been awol since last Thursday although he has promised to return tomorrow. We shall see!

Anyway enough of this rant, tomorrows post will be a much happier one as I have received my lovely surprises from Caroline so I will tell you about that then, I just had to have a virtual scream before getting back to normal.

Update on building work!

This is the two storey extension we are having built at the front of the house. The builders are making good progress.

If only writing was as simple as bricklaying, well I suppose it is in a way, just one word at a time and before you know it you have a novel. Okay I'm off to write todays word!!!!