One long year

A year ago our son died suddenly it was Sunday 20th July. We had spent the morning at our local market, drinking a beer at the cafe and watching the world go by. When we got home we had a phone call that no-one should ever have to take. Our lives changed that day and it has been a long and painful journey for us.

I have found it hard to blog or do much writing but fellow bloggers and Novel Racers have been very supportive for which I thank you. I am hopeful that my writing is getting back on track and that one of these days I will finally finish the first draft of my wip. It has been a long time coming!! I have been writing some short stories and of course some poems. The poems have been my way of grieving, words that have demanded to be written.

I wrote this poem last September.

I was not there

I was not there when death came on silent wings
I was not there to hold your hand or ease the pain
As an icy hand gripped your heart and held it til it was still.
I was not there to say a last goodbye
I was not there as your soul
Slipped it's earthly bonds.
I was not there.

I was not there as they sang "Jerusalem"
And "All things bright and beautiful"
I was not there as my tears fell silently.
I was not there as they lowered your body
Into the dark earth.
My soul had slipped its bonds
And was searching desperately for you
But you were not there.
My body called me back.
But I was not there as the sad procession
Walked slowly away
Leaving us alone.

Now all I have are memories
I must not let them slip
From my grasp
As I let you slip.

I was not there.

TBR pile and book review

For once I have a fabulous tbr pile of books. The most I have ever had and it's amazing to have such a choice. I have met someone here who runs an english language bookstall where you can borrow books. All secondhand that generally she gets given , so it is basically recycling. When she found out my passion for books she very kindly bought me a whole carrier bagful of books she thought i might like. How kind is that? And to add to that i had visited some charity shops with an old schoolfriend while in England and picked up half a dozen books plus some friends brought me the new books I had ordered at Xmas from Amazon. So I have this wonderful selection some picked by me some by an old friend and some by a new friend who has the same feelings towards books as I have so I have lent her a couple of mine as I know she will take care of them. When i have some more time I will put up a list of what I am reading at the moment and what else is in my lovely tbr pile.

I have only just received Black Boxes that i ordered at xmas so here is my review.

Black Boxes by Caroline Smailes.

I wondered how Caroline would follow such an original work as In Search of Adam but she has certainly achieved it with Black Boxes. It is another difficult read with a harrowing storyline but with her perceptive use of the English language it is very readable. It is not a book to "enjoy" because of the subject matter: bullying at school, post-natal depression, the break up of families. It takes you out of your comfort zone and brings you face to face with other peoples misery. The tension she engenders is palpable, her descriptions of the daughters life are heart-rending and realistic and leave you with a feeling of anger and impotence. The attention to detail with the sign language suggests to me a very intelligent and imaginative lady. Her characters come alive and die on the page and you care about them. It leaves you with unanswered questions and I will definitely re-read Black Boxes as I did In Search of Adam, as there are subtelties that demand another read. It has left me impatient for her next novel.

Now I have a lovely dilemma which book shall I read next?

Snails at play

We have enormous snails in our garden, and couldn't resist a photo of this amorous pair! Hope I didn't put them off although I'm not sure if I want all those baby snails.

Bittersweet tears

Hi I've been intending to write this post for some time now but decided to wait til after my trip to England. As followers of this blog know my son died suddenly last July. He left behind two young children from his first marriage and a second wife whom he had been married to for 5 years. Shortly after his funeral his wife found out that she was expecting their first child. She was so pleased that she would have something so tangible to remember my son by but I have to say that I was devestated by the news. I was obviously delighted for her but all I could think was what my son was going to miss and of a child who would never know their Father. It added to my grief and this is what I wrote at the time.

I am lost

From his death there is a beginning
A new life has grown from his seed.
Her heart filling with joy and love
As her cheeks bloom and her belly blossoms.
But my heart is splitting in many fragments.
I should be happy
But the pain is still too strong.
I am lost
Floundering in a well
Of sorrow
I have not yet said farewell
How can I now say welcome?
I am overwhelmed with sadness
For you.

At the beginning of April our daughter-in-law gave birth to a healthy baby boy. A very healthy 9lb 5oz. At the beginning of June we went back to England for the first time since the funeral. We were going to see his children from his first marriage and of course the new baby, and we were going to visit our son. The whole trip was so hard, the plane, the drive down to Devon, trying to hold myself together for the grandchildren and for our daughter-in-law who has been amazingly strong. The baby is a lovely happy baby and I know that he will come to know his father through his mother his friends and of course us. But even writing this is bringing tears to my eyes.

We then went to the graveyard. As I said before it is set in open fields and is a beautiful place, he is laid under a tree. But on that day the heavens had opened.

We stood before the place where our son lay
A dead threatening sky enveloped us
An unrelenting gloom, no glimmer of light
No words can describe the feeling of utter desolation
My tears mingled with the dark curtain of rain
And seeped into the earth around him.
I did not want to leave him.

It will soon be a year since he died and I know it will be another difficult milestone to cope with. Everyone deals with grief differently and for me putting some of my poems and feelings on this blog has helped.

Allen Ginsberg wrote " Poetry is the outlet for people to say in public what is known in private."

Poetry is my "other" me, my private face in public.

Time shifts and building works.

Well that's the only way I can describe the speed with which time is flying by at the moment!!! No update for nearly two months. The builders are making good progress but we will be very pleased whan they finally leave us in peace. It's amazing how much it disturbs our routines and then of course there is the noise and dirt. But it will be worth all the aggro in the long run. But once the builders have finished then the hard work will really start. We are aiming to do the finishing works ourselves, and "flushed" with the success of the new plumbing we are raring to go.

And the sunny weather is finally with us, it's been an iffy spring but now the sun has reappeared with a real warmth in it and the promise of much more to come and good dry weather will make our work easier.

As for my wip I have barely looked at it for weeks but once I get back after my trip to England next week I shall be buckling down to it again. Well at least that's the idea, I just hope I haven't forgotten what it's about!! So just a quick update and more to come soon.

Sunshine, builders and phone.

What more could I ask for? After another week with no phone or internet, "they" finally seem to have got their act together and we have our own phone number back and internet. Only three weeks messing us about!!! The builder has returned with the sunshine and the plumbing is going well. We have a working wash basin for the new loo, and soon a wash basin in the bedroom plus a shower. I have been very impressed by the OH's prowess with a blowtorch!!

All I need now is to knuckle down to my wip. I haven't done anything to it for some time but I have been trying some short stories and poems, which counts as writing doesn't it?

Some thoughts while out running:

Often when I run
I have moments of lucidity.
Ideas crowd my mind
Sentences beg to be written.
But when I return home
They are wiped away
With the sweat!
--------------
Why is a blank page so terrifying?
Anxious vanity and fear of ridicule
Check the pen from moving.
--------------
On my desk there stands a mug
Full of pens all different hues,
Jostling for my attention.
Which one will it be today?
Choose me, choose me they cry.
One insinuates it's way into my hand,
Willing to slide and slither across the page,
Giving substance to the ideas and images
That wait for life and form
In the jumbled recesses of my mind.

Okay, enough of this, I'm off for a run now and you never know I might just get some new ideas.

Pay it forwards.

A few weeks ago the lovely Caroline offered to send small gifts of friendship to the first three bloggers to leave a comment on her blog. This idea had come via JJ, I had missed that opportunity so was pleased when I was the third blogger. Well my lovely little gifts arrived last week and they proved again what a very thoughtful and kind person Caroline is.

My little parcel contained a beautiful Momiji doll with a secret message from Caroline tucked inside her Kimono. A Sheep Poo Paper book mark, which is exactly what it says it is, from Welsh sheep, and a little magic wand to help all my dreams come true.

I'm not sure I can manage anything quite so exciting but if any of you would like to join in this Pay it forwards then all you need to do is leave a comment asking to join in, then you will need to send me your name and address and I will send you a small gift of friendship. All you then have to do is do a blog about it and link back to me. If you wish to continue the Pay it forwards then that would be entirely up to you. I offer this to the first three bloggers to leave a comment, there is no cost to you and the gift will be small, just a token of friendship and good wishes from one blogger to another.

Now an update on Builders and phones. No builders yet and we still have someone elses phone number, a Technician is due to call Thursday afternoon. That will be two weeks of utter annoyance.