Heartfelt thanks

I just want to offer my heartfelt thanks to all my fellow Novel racers who have taken the time to leave a message for us in this very difficult time, and to all our friends who sent cards and offers of support it has all been very much appreciated.

We are still struggling to come to terms with the death of our son and realise that it will take a lot of time. We are trying to get on with our lives, as we must, but it is hard to get through the days.

I have decided to share with you some of my feelings in the hope that putting my thoughts in black and white may help me.

Our son's funeral was in a beautiful village church in Devon, it was full with his family and friends. Grown men cried which showed me how much he was loved and appreciated. He was buried in a little graveyard surrounded by open fields and trees. For someone whose working life had been dedicated to farming this was as perfect as it could be. One day I will find comfort in knowing where he was laid to rest although for now such beauty just makes me cry.

After the funeral we all went to one of his favourite village pubs to celebrate his life. We had written a few words between us about our son which my husband very courageously spoke. This is what he said:

Our son was a decent and honest bloke and didn't deserve to have his young life cut short in this way. He was extremely happy with his lot and together with his wife was living life to the maximum. Even through the hard times in agriculture he managed to keep the dream alive and his new milking contract was going to give them a more secure future.
He worked hard and of course played hard when the opportunity was right. He was as fit as a fiddle which makes the circumstances of his death even more difficult to understand and we feel very angry and hurt by that. Whoever or whatever decides these things gave him a bum script.
At a young age he told us he wanted to go to Brymore[agricultural boarding school] and since then he has followed his dream. He was at his happiest working amongst the farming community in this village, working long hours when needed and caring for your cows as if they were his own, especially Whiskey[his favourite milker].
I can claim to have taught him the indispensable skill of drinking large quantities of beer, we even managed to play rugby in the same 7 a side team. And his Mum taught him the equally important rudiments of skinning and gutting a lamb. What more could a young man expect from his parents. And we were even happier with what he gave us.
However none of us will miss the unmistakeable smell of his very own eau de cologne, a mixture of cow shit and sweat. But when he had had a shower and got dressed up he was a match for anyone, especially on Karaoke night!!!!
Nothing was ever too much trouble for him. If a friend or client had an emergency or a problem he was always the first to help out if he could and we will all be the poorer for the loss of his generosity of spirit, a rare and valued gift.
He died doing what he loved best at the farm he loved best. He will be sorely missed by one and all and that is perhaps the best testament and celebration of life and the affect he had on everyone who knew him.
He will never ever be forgotten.

Just a few words to try and describe a very good person.

Since his death I have been writing my feelings down, just raw emotion really but thats all there is at the moment. These are the words I wrote on the card with the flowers for his coffin:

I have cried a sea of tears for you
But it is not enough.
Your dad feels his grief in other ways
But I can see the hurt in his eyes.
We try to smile for you
But it is so so hard
And we are weary beyond words.

And this is what went in his coffin:

Life is grey without you
Even though the sun is shining
The sparkle has gone out of our lives.
We are weary as we watch the minutes
Drag slowly through the long days.
Life will go on without you
But it is on hold for now.
We are not ready yet to let you go
The pain is too great
We are not ready.
Sleep does not come easily
Images crowd my mind
And will not let me rest.
I am overwhelmed by grief
You should not have died.

Thank-you for sharing this with us. I will hope to resume some blogging soon although I hope you will allow me to continue to share my emotions with you. It helps me to express them in this way.