Tuesday, 16 September 2008

Two months gone

Thanks again for all your lovely comments and for sharing this time with us.

It has been two months since our son died. Sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago or that it happenned to someone else. I don't really want to accept that he died. It goes against the natural order of things to bury your children.

I know that I was at his funeral but it feels as if it was someone else there not me. That I was a spectator not a participant. I find it very hard to explain my feelings but utter helplessness comes closest.

Usually I feel in control of the events in my life but now I am powerless, absolutely nothing I can do except find a way forward. Which I am trying to do but it's hard, very hard.

I have managed to start reading again which I wasn't able to do for about 6 weeks and this morning I have managed about 250 words of my wip. I am determined more than ever to finish my novel and dedicate it to the memory of my son.

These are some of the poems that I write in the small hours when I cannot sleep.

I am numb.

I sleepwalk through the waking hours
Shuffling slowly with leaden feet.
Then when the night comes
I lay watchful with sad heart.
Sleep eludes me as images
And thoughts crowd my mind.
So the days and nights pass slowly by.


In the daylight hours I banish thoughts of you
Then when I lay down at night
Your voice and face come unbidden
But they are welcome.
The edges of reality are blurred
Tears fall silently to ease the pain
Are you really gone?

Finally sleep comes
But in the morning
You are gone
And I am desolate.


I hear his voice in the dark "Hiya Mum"
I reach out to touch him
But he is not there, he is gone.

It helps to put my thoughts on paper as I can't express them out loud.
Now I am off for a run which also helps me get things in perspective and I shall be visiting blogs and catching up with the recent innovations here which seem to have passed me by.


JJ said...

Lovely Sheepish, thank you for thinking of me and mine when you heard of the trouble in Bangkok. We're still all thinking of you. JJx

liz fenwick said...

Oh, Sheepish the poems are beautiful and you are so brave. I am proud of you taking steps to write and to run.


Lane said...

Your poems are so beautiful and so full of pain. I hope it helps you to write them. Thank you for sharing them with us.

Thinking of you. x

Anonymous said...

my dear - i've only just caught up with your terrible news and i just wanted you to know that i'm thinking of you with all my might. xx

Zinnia Cyclamen said...

Sheepish, you're doing really well. Liz is right, you are brave, and I'm proud of you too.

Caroline said...

Your words are so beautiful.
Small steps and keep writing, be gentle.

Caroline x

Helen said...

Sheepish, I was just reading through the replies on the novel racers website when I saw yours mentioning your sad news. I am so deeply sorry.

This happened to my mother and father in law a few years ago when my brother in law died. It was terrible time for them, as it is for you now.

I'm thinking of you. x

KAREN said...

I've just found you via the Novel Racers blog and wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss.

I can't begin to imagine how hard this must be, but your poems are an inspiration x

tsduff said...

Hello from across the sea
My heart is heavy for you
The loss of one so dear
It can't be true
And yet it is
So real