Monday, 22 June 2009

Bittersweet tears

Hi I've been intending to write this post for some time now but decided to wait til after my trip to England. As followers of this blog know my son died suddenly last July. He left behind two young children from his first marriage and a second wife whom he had been married to for 5 years. Shortly after his funeral his wife found out that she was expecting their first child. She was so pleased that she would have something so tangible to remember my son by but I have to say that I was devestated by the news. I was obviously delighted for her but all I could think was what my son was going to miss and of a child who would never know their Father. It added to my grief and this is what I wrote at the time.

I am lost

From his death there is a beginning
A new life has grown from his seed.
Her heart filling with joy and love
As her cheeks bloom and her belly blossoms.
But my heart is splitting in many fragments.
I should be happy
But the pain is still too strong.
I am lost
Floundering in a well
Of sorrow
I have not yet said farewell
How can I now say welcome?
I am overwhelmed with sadness
For you.

At the beginning of April our daughter-in-law gave birth to a healthy baby boy. A very healthy 9lb 5oz. At the beginning of June we went back to England for the first time since the funeral. We were going to see his children from his first marriage and of course the new baby, and we were going to visit our son. The whole trip was so hard, the plane, the drive down to Devon, trying to hold myself together for the grandchildren and for our daughter-in-law who has been amazingly strong. The baby is a lovely happy baby and I know that he will come to know his father through his mother his friends and of course us. But even writing this is bringing tears to my eyes.

We then went to the graveyard. As I said before it is set in open fields and is a beautiful place, he is laid under a tree. But on that day the heavens had opened.

We stood before the place where our son lay
A dead threatening sky enveloped us
An unrelenting gloom, no glimmer of light
No words can describe the feeling of utter desolation
My tears mingled with the dark curtain of rain
And seeped into the earth around him.
I did not want to leave him.

It will soon be a year since he died and I know it will be another difficult milestone to cope with. Everyone deals with grief differently and for me putting some of my poems and feelings on this blog has helped.

Allen Ginsberg wrote " Poetry is the outlet for people to say in public what is known in private."

Poetry is my "other" me, my private face in public.


ChrisH said...

So hard to know what to say to you, you must feel raw, you've had to adjust to so much. Sorry, I can't say anything more without sounding trite.

Lane said...

Your words are just heart breaking.
So, so heart break breaking.

liz fenwick said...

((()))s Sheapish you are so brave and your words are so beautiful.

ChrisH said...

Thanks so much for visiting when you've got so much on your mind. I left this post yesterday thinking about you and feeling lost for words.

Debs said...

I hate to imagine the pain you've gone through this past year.

Your poetry is so beautiful and I think describes your feelings so well. x

sheepish said...

Thank-you to all of you for taking the time to leave your comments.

Caroline said...

I've been trying to find the words to put here, since reading it when you first posted. I think that the baby is a miracle baby, one to be treasured. I truly hope that he learns all about his father from those who knew and loved him.

I wish I could ease your pain, even in the smallest of ways. Your beautiful words make my heart hurt. x