Bittersweet tears

Hi I've been intending to write this post for some time now but decided to wait til after my trip to England. As followers of this blog know my son died suddenly last July. He left behind two young children from his first marriage and a second wife whom he had been married to for 5 years. Shortly after his funeral his wife found out that she was expecting their first child. She was so pleased that she would have something so tangible to remember my son by but I have to say that I was devestated by the news. I was obviously delighted for her but all I could think was what my son was going to miss and of a child who would never know their Father. It added to my grief and this is what I wrote at the time.

I am lost

From his death there is a beginning
A new life has grown from his seed.
Her heart filling with joy and love
As her cheeks bloom and her belly blossoms.
But my heart is splitting in many fragments.
I should be happy
But the pain is still too strong.
I am lost
Floundering in a well
Of sorrow
I have not yet said farewell
How can I now say welcome?
I am overwhelmed with sadness
For you.

At the beginning of April our daughter-in-law gave birth to a healthy baby boy. A very healthy 9lb 5oz. At the beginning of June we went back to England for the first time since the funeral. We were going to see his children from his first marriage and of course the new baby, and we were going to visit our son. The whole trip was so hard, the plane, the drive down to Devon, trying to hold myself together for the grandchildren and for our daughter-in-law who has been amazingly strong. The baby is a lovely happy baby and I know that he will come to know his father through his mother his friends and of course us. But even writing this is bringing tears to my eyes.

We then went to the graveyard. As I said before it is set in open fields and is a beautiful place, he is laid under a tree. But on that day the heavens had opened.

We stood before the place where our son lay
A dead threatening sky enveloped us
An unrelenting gloom, no glimmer of light
No words can describe the feeling of utter desolation
My tears mingled with the dark curtain of rain
And seeped into the earth around him.
I did not want to leave him.

It will soon be a year since he died and I know it will be another difficult milestone to cope with. Everyone deals with grief differently and for me putting some of my poems and feelings on this blog has helped.

Allen Ginsberg wrote " Poetry is the outlet for people to say in public what is known in private."

Poetry is my "other" me, my private face in public.